Do you know your inner critic? The one who talks you into not doing what you want and need to do and into doing what you know very well you would better not do. She is mean when you long for tenderness and she whispers so tenderly when you would need a little tough love for getting that job done. Always watching, always commenting, always turning the good into the not good enough and the bad into the ready to die shame.
That’s the inner critc. I often call her my inner mean girl. But she has many voices. That of my mom, my teachers, some schoolmates, some „friends“ even. Recently she mostly uses my very own voice. My voice is meaner than all of the others. And I tell myself things and call myself names – I would never ever speak to somebody else this way. Not my worst enemy.
You all know what I am talking about. You, who say that you are your own worst enemy.
If the inner mean girl was at least fancy epic stuff like „the dark passenger“, „the demon“, „the devil“. But we know, truth be told, we know that it is just us. Because we are that – not enough. Not woman enough to have a mature beautiful inner voice. Hm?
NO! Woman! Acedia is making you thinking that, believing you are not enough! Acedia prevents you from embracing your true self and living it out loud. Let’s fight!!!
And who or what is Acedia?
Acedia is the force behind this inner mean critic. It is like a demon, like a parasite, like an illness. Like some virus that is spreading. A virus that hurts the soul. And the heart as seat of our feelings. It causes a distance between me and my true me, making me every day a little less me and a little more anxious how and whom I should be. For years it is not noticable, it seems just to be how I am but then slowly it turns from many little uncomfortable feelings into uncomfortable self awareness, self judgement. Into anxiety, depression, and alienation. Who is this me, that I hate so much? Do you hate yourself more often than you love yourself? Do you ever love yourself? Your self?
I used to believe that it was just me. That everybody else lived and was okay with themselves. That they were forgiving and just feeling their feelings and going to create their lives as they wanted. But I learned about depression and I met women like me on the internet and I can see that it is like an epidemia. And much of our lifestyle is causing it.
Acedia is a force. It is a sin because it alienates us from the world and from the Great Divine Source, God. But no, not having it is the sin but giving up fighting it – that is the sin.
I found a mighty weapon in the fight against Acedia. It is my own creativity.